My Boys

Me and my Boys

The Boys. That’s exactly what they are, boys. They are rough, love to pass gas, laugh uncontrollably because they did, and love unconditionally. I am blessed that no matter how much I yell at them to clean their room, do their chores, finish homework or tell them to stop bouncing off of the walls, that they will do anything to make me happy.

Sure I get frustrated, which parent doesn’t? And the parents who say they aren’t frustrated, let me say something; Bullhockie! You get frustrated, EVERYONE does!

My boys are smart. They pick up information rather quickly, and will use it against me every-time. LOL. They think that whatever they do, I haven’t done it. Wrong. I have. Probably worse. My eldest has gotten into a habit of saying, well momma will believe me about anything. No. I give them a chance to fess up, before the angry mark between momma’s eyes gets worse.

Aside from the regular things boys do, I love them. More than anything, I love my children. I sometimes feel that I am denying them perfection. I feel inadequate as a parent. No, parents do not come equipped with a rule book, or handbook to guide them across the-omg he just did what?! Where?! Why?! Nor is there anything out there to help you answer the difficult questions, that only a child can ask.

I do not believe I will ever be a perfect parent. I can however, at this time in their life, love them, be there for them, and guide them to do the right thing to the best of my abilities. I want them to grow up to be smart, successful, strong, kind hearted men. I hope and pray that one day, they will see all the sacrifices we have made and all the selfless things we done for them, and tell me/us, “Hey, we totally appreciate all the wonderful things you have taught us, and all the love you have given us, thank you.”  That’s all I could ever want, for them to be happy.

Rainy Day Fun

Air Museum

I took the kids to the Air and Space Museum yesterday. I must say, it was pretty nice. The kids were excited about all the aircraft there and couldn’t wait to explore the place. What I liked about it was, it had an area of testing and observing things for yourself.

For instance, they had a bed of nails. Now according to the laws of whatever it is, you can lay down on the nails and because your body weight is evenly distributed, you cant “feel” the nails piercing you. Surprisingly, it is true. I tried it out, pretty awesome. I felt the nails, but it didn’t hurt at all.  The kids (all of them, including the 2 yr old) wanted to try it out. Everyone had their turn and when it came to my DD4’s turn, she quickly and vehemently screamed, no!  Ok, since that rather loud outburst, we went on to another area, lol.

What captivated them the most, (the younger three) was this area where you could build aircraft;  jets, planes, space shuttles, you name it. The wings were magnetic, so the little ones could place them on and not have to worry about it falling off, point given to the museum. Saved me a ton of screams if the wings fell off, ugh.

This museum had three floors. On the second floor, was anything you could imagine about outer space. They had planet’s as big as a building hanging up on the ceiling. I loved that. I was telling the children which planet’s were which. Stars and planet’s fascinate me. Alas, they weren’t as into it as I would have liked and wanted to go see more jets, *sigh* oh well, off we went.

The third floor was an observation deck. Umm can I just say, yikes! Heights and I do not mix. Omigosh, I was terrified but they insisted on going up there. The view was, absolutely gorgeous and worth the heart beating erratically. I was alright as long as I didn’t look down. Didn’t help any that the stairs were metal grates though, ugh. Talk about chewing on your stomach. I got through it unscathed, amazingly.

All in all it was a nice place to take the kids on a rainy day. I would definitely take them again.

Thunderstorms

Thunder and Lightening

I can’t sleep… I haven’t been able to get a good night’s rest since my hubs left. I can never sleep without him. I need his warmth, his heartbeat, his snoring (yes I said snoring, lol). Tonight is no different, except for one thing: thunderstorms. I hate thunderstorms; I am terrified of them. I may be the only person on this planet who doesn’t like thunderstorms. I am also terrified of lightning. It scares the bejesus out of me.

Now I have tried a number of things to get my mind off of the noise outside: listen to music, dance around the room, take a shower. Nothing. I still hear the low rumblings and I feel the house vibrate. It really makes my chest ache with fear. And, unfortunately, I have passed this idiotic fear off to my kids. They hear it and are too scared to sleep. So, they end up sleeping with the terrified momma.

The fear really is unwarranted. I do not recall a moment in my life where I was traumatized or anything. I just, overnight, became terrified of the boom of thunder, and the crack and flash of lightning. I have just put up with the fear, as there is nothing I can do, really.

I have many fears. I am afraid of snakes, bugs, any creepy crawly thing (they give me the heebie jeebies). I am afraid of bridges and heights. I am afraid of going up in an elevator, although I have no fear of closed spaces ironically, just going up in an elevator. I am afraid of something happening to my children, but that is every parents’ fear. The thing that scares me the most, though, is that gripping fear of being alone. Alone is so final, so chest clinchingly scary. Alas, those are fears with which I deal; they are a part of who I am. Me.

Eventually, the storm will pass. That’s what I tell myself.

Dancing

OK well here we go. I had a few drinks tonight cause I felt I deserved them. I am up in my room, the kids are in bed, and I am really enjoying the feeling of being relaxed. I have had this song in my head for days. I love the upbeat tempo, the words, the sound, everything.  (If you listen closely enough the guitar is strumming the Pachelbel Canon, my all time favorite lullaby. First in C, then G, then A, then C, then F, then G again…Very cool :D)

So as I am listening to this song, I start to move, and shake and start throwing my arms out, moving my body, just releasing all the stresses of the days that have built up. I am spinning, twisting, turning and just feeling the electricity that is flowing through me. Now it is funny to watch me dance, cause well…I just cant. But every now and then, I throw my arms up and just forget feeling self conscious and just  live for the moment.

I have taught my kids that it doesn’t matter how “funny” you look as long as you are enjoying yourself. They will now drop everything and just move their little tushes and giggle and jump and have a great time. Tonight I did the same. I hope you enjoy this song as much as I did and do. 🙂

Pure Love

Happiness

I love taking pictures. My family knows this and most of the time will smile happily, other times look at me like they want to take the camera and throw it somewhere. I take so many pictures that my children, whenever they see a camera, will freeze in their tracks and smile. Pictures are my life. So are my children.

This photo is one of my favorites. My hubs had been gone all day at work, he is in the Navy, and whenever he gets home, our children bombard him with, “Daddy where were you?” “Can you take me to the park?” Or whatever strikes their fancy to say to him.

In this photo, my DD4  was very happy to see her father. And he was happy to see her. She ran to him  with her bear, has to have that bear, and he picked her up. I snapped this picture  just as he turned around with her in his arms. You can see the love in both of their eyes and face. The happiness that is there. The father/daughter bond. I love the way my husband looks at our children. He would do anything for them, as any parent would do. It stops my heart to see such gentle, tender love being thrown out  from my husbands face. The most wonderful and intoxicating feeling. Pure, unequivocal love.

For My Hubs

My Boys

I was so very happy that my hubby was able to see my blog. He is currently in the Navy and deployed. I miss him so much and so do the kids. But we are so very proud of him and his accomplishments and sacrifices. He wrote me by email and said he liked my blog. I was happy he said that. He asked if I could put the pic of him and our DS’s with the croaker they had caught.  I said of course I will.

That was such a memorable night. It was a warm, breezy night. The smell of the beach wafting in the air. So relaxing. We were with friends and just chilling out on a blanket. The ladies gossiping and the men (including the boys) were fishing. That night, the boys caught a big croaker and was excited and screaming that they had caught a huge fish. I unfortunately didn’t bring my camera. I was pregnant with our fourth child then and easily scatterbrained. Luckily our friend had brought theirs and kindly lent it to us to take this awesome picture. One of my favorites 🙂

Honey, If you are able to get onto my blog, this is for you. I love you and miss you so. Enjoy!

Is It Safe To Go Back To Sleep?

I had an awful night last night. My DD2 kept waking up, crying that she wanted to go to sleep with me. After many episodes of being jolted out of slumber, I relented and carried her to my bed, where as soon as she lay her head on her fathers pillow, was out like a light.

I was exhausted. Being woke up on many occasions, can really disturb the sleep cycle.  After all that excitement, I was able to go back to sleep. But sleep I didn’t get. Instead I dreamed. Not a birds twittering, white fluffy clouds billowing by- dream, a nightmare.

Now I have to admit, I am a very vivid dreamer. I move my legs when I run, I laugh out loud when I see something funny or cry hysterically when something bad has happened. I dont know what triggers the  dreams or nightmares but I sure would like to know so I could prevent it.

I’ll give you examples of my kind of nightmares. Years ago before I met my husband, I had a nightmare about snakes (I hate snakes). The dream took a nasty turn and somehow I was bitten on the hand between the forefinger and thumb. I woke up screaming and crying. Later that morning when I awoke, my hand burned in the exact spot where I was “bitten”. It hurt for days, as if there were actual venom in my hand. Another dream I had was driving my car on a bridge (I am terrified of bridges) and the bridge kept going up and up and up. Then it stopped and there was no more bridge, but my car didn’t stop, it moved on and over the edge of the bridge. The car is falling and now I am falling. My heart stops, I stop breathing. I wake up gasping for air. The next few days my chest hurts.

Anyway, you get the idea of how vividly I dream. Now onto the crux of my situation. Nightmares. Last night I dreamt that I was on a bus of some sort, it was dark outside with occasional patches of light. As if I were in a tunnel. My children are with me in the seats next to me. I do not know where we are going or what we are doing on the bus for that matter. I just know we are moving.  All of a sudden, I see a tree trunk smash through the window and hit my DD4. This is all in slow motion. I see her beautiful little head being smashed by this massive object. Yet I sit there. I saw it happen, was mortified that it happened, yet I do not move. The bus keeps moving. My DD7 comes gliding down the walkway and plops himself down on the seat, almost on top of my DD4. I yell at my DS7  to be careful not to sit himself down so hard, that he could hurt his sister if he does that. Just as I say that, my DD4 moans and I get up and go to her. She is laying in a balled up position, fetal position, whatever. I pick her up and notice she has vomited. She cries she doesn’t feel well and I see her beautiful little face so mangled ( I am crying right now as I relive this in my mind). I scream for someone to call 911 because I know she has been fatally hurt. As I say help, I wake up crying so hard and my heart is hurting. I cant get the image out of my head. It was so awful. I go to check on her to see if she is still breathing and if she is still there, whole, not hurt. She was sleeping peacefully.

This is NOT the first time I have had these nightmares. I dreamt years ago, when my DS7 was 1 or 2, that I had shot my son in the head. He didn’t die but he just laid there, not moving and I held him and he wasn’t crying or anything but I felt his life slipping away. I woke up crying hysterically. I dreamt  I was in car accident with the rest of my children. I was unhurt but my DS6 was scalped so to speak, my DD4 was injured but ok. I couldn’t find my DS7 or my DD2. The rescue workers found my DS7 but told me that my DD2 was not sustaining life. My nightmare ended there. Again I woke up crying and in hysterics.

I do not know why I dream like this. It terrifies me. It hurts me. It makes me feel the whole entire day, like there is some kind of doom going to happen. I can not get these images out of my head. I cant forget the look on their faces, the smell, the hurt. This is some cruel twist of events that happen in my head, that I wish would never ever have happened.

I sit here writing this, crying as I relive the horror again. Wondering, is it safe to go to sleep?

Treasured Hands

Treasured Hands

As I sit here and ponder on what I want to write in my blog, I cant help but think about my son’s birthday coming up. He will be 7 and I am just stunned at how much more he has grown. It is a bittersweet feeling, happy he is growing but sad that he is.

Sad that his father will not be here for yet another one of his children’s birthday. His father is in the Navy and is currently deployed. He missed our daughter’s 4th birthday. That was the second one he has missed of hers. I feel angry that he cant be here but proud that he is serving our country and sacrificing his time with his family to do so.

It is extremely hard explaining to my son why his father cant be here to celebrate his birthday. I’m tired of answering his constant questions as to why his father cant be here for a lot of things. It hurts me to answer his questions. It hurts my heart to see his beautiful face struggle with emotion of not being able to go and hug his father when he wants to.

So as I reflect on my son’s upcoming birthday, I look at photos of him as he was younger. They make me smile and laugh and cry, as they should. I came across this photo of his father holding his hand to help our son inspect the fish more closely. It was my DS6’s first time catching a fish and he was very happy he did, he was 2 at the time. The photo says so much. His father gently holding his hand, helping him, loving him, guiding him. My son is growing into a handsome little man and his hands are the perfect replica of his fathers. You see it all in those beautiful,  treasured hands.

Hello world!

Wow, I finally have a blog set up.  I like it so far and will hopefully continue to provide some funny and useful things. So lets get to it shall we? I have been working pretty much all day on the video I took of my daughter, whom I will refer to as DD. I will refer to all of my children to that, DD, meaning Dear/Darling Daughter or DS, Dear/Darling Son and the age along with it. You get the idea 🙂

Lets back track…I have four children, 2 boys and 2 girls. Their ages are from oldest to youngest, 7,6,4,2. The boys are older, the girls are younger.

Alright having said that, back to what I was saying. I spent all day trying to get a video uploaded and a blog started. Not in that particular order. Now I have a blog started and the video uploaded, I have to figure out how to post videos on here. Im too tired to right now but I do have a link of the video I wanted to post. Hopefully within the next few days, I will figure it out.  So enjoy laughing, I know I did!

http://www.dropshots.com/HeadNurse#