Oh, how I have missed writing. Ironically, coming from someone who has never really written anything in her life, it’s a little funny. It has comforted me when I have had no one to express my fears to. As inanimate as a screen is, it comes to life when words are put upon it. My heart feels freer than it has in days, when I write.
My husband is deployed yet again. He came home from a previous deployment in July of ’09 and was home for 5 months. They (his command) decided that (they) needed to go out to sea again for 6 months. It is harder this time compared to last. I miss him more, I want him more. A month has gone by and it has felt like it has already been 6 months with him gone. I cry about everything. A commercial depicting a child crying for her father; I cry. A song on the radio pleading for their loved one to come back; I cry. My children playing and laughing, asking me if I am going to pick up their father today; I cry. I cry at the drop of a hat. However, this is when I dig deep inside of my shell and seek the courage I need to become stronger for my children, and myself.
I find music acts like a balm to my breaking heart. Music lifts me out of a bad mood and places me high on an iridescent cloud, away from all the discouraging happenings around me. I listen to the music and close my eyes and see all the wonderful colors associated with the sounds. Purples, greens, yellows, reds; breathtakingly beautiful colors. Music heals me.
To pass the lonely time away from my husband, I go to school. Two days a week, 4 hours a day, not too long. Going to school distracts me and empowers me. I have dreamed of going back to school to further my nursing career. My dream was briefly put on hold in the past due to having and raising my wonderful children. A sacrifice I was more than willing to do. I love(d) watching my children grow and flourish. Now it is my time. My husband has provided a way for me to continue with my education and my wonderful mother has agreed to stay with us and watch our children so I can carry out my dream. I thank both of them from the top, sides, and bottom of my heart. Thank you both.
I have said before that music helps me, especially Contemporary Christian music. There is a song that I fell in love with the nano-second I heard it. The title of the song is “I’m Alive” by Pocket Full Of Rocks. Yes, that is what I said, “Pocket Full Of Rocks?!” Did I hear that correctly?? Yes, I did. Funny as the groups title may seem, It is a wonderful song about believing and trusting in the Lord to forgive us of our wrongs and love us no matter what. I need that. To be forgiven and loved. It is a need everyone has. To be told no matter what you do, however great or bad, you will always be forgiven and loved. I know there are things that truly cannot be forgiven by mortal man. Then again, God is no mortal man, and he is without sin. He gave us his Son, Christ, to forgive our sins; to die for our sins, so we could be forgiven. Forgive me if I seem preachy. I am far from being that. I am not trying to persuade anyone to believe in God, I am just conveying what I believe. Anyway, back to what I was saying about the song. It is a beautiful song and worth listening to. I will give you a glimpse of the song and then put in a link to listen to it. Your choice to listen or not, I am just giving you an option.
There was a time I was dead inside.
You’d call my name and I’d try to hide.
My heart was dark and so full of shame,
Full of shame.
But like the dawning of a brand new day
Your love has chased my shame away.
How amazing, now I hear You singing over me!
Loudly, I sing
Loudly, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that’s made me so alive
I’m alive, I’m alive!
Loudly I’ll live…That I will definitely do.